


I held thee softly—

by blakefancier



Category: Simon and Simon (TV)
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-07
Updated: 2011-05-07
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:19:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakefancier/pseuds/blakefancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See notes for warnings.</p><p>*sigh* I wish I could do this subject justice.  This story is dedicated to those out there with secrets.  Sometimes, unfortunately, they have no one to help them carry their burden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I held thee softly—

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: This story deals with the issue of child molestation. So please if the idea of this deeply disturbs you, don't read it. I'm serious, just use the old back button.

_When the rains fell, I held thee softly—_

 _Upon the shore of tomorrow_

 _I cradled thee against my breast_

 _Coaxing into being the virgin light of innocence_

AJ sat with his mother on the deck, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his face. “Are Aunt Edna and Uncle Marv coming,” he asked.

“They’re flying in on Saturday, along with your second cousin Stanley.”

“Stanley? I didn’t know he was coming.”

Rick walked out onto the deck, a can of beer in hand. “Who was coming?”

“Cousin Stanley. He stayed with us for a few months when you were children. You remember him don’t you, Rick?”

“Stanley, yeah I remember Stanley.” Rick’s voice wavered slightly. “You invited him?”

“Hence the term ‘family reunion’.” AJ frowned; his brother had turned a pasty white. “Are you all right? You don’t look so good.”

“Fine, I’m fine,” he said gruffly.

“I don’t remember much about him.”

Rick shifted his weight. “You were pretty young, kid, only five. And we all had other things on our mind. It was right after Dad’s funeral.”

“Oh.” AJ pressed his lips together; the old ache in his chest returning.

Rick guzzled the rest of his beer and put the empty can on the table. “I think I need something stronger.” He went back inside.

AJ looked at his mother. “What was that about?”

“I don’t know.” She frowned in Rick’s direction. “He never liked Stanley very much. They were always fighting. But then Rick fought with everyone.”

“I remember a lot of screaming.” AJ smiled sadly.

“It was a difficult time. And Stanley, Stanley always teased him.”

“He ignored me.” He shrugged. “Who’s going to pick them up from the airport?”

She gave him a sweet smile. “I was going to ask Rick but…”

He sighed. “What time are they coming in?”

**********

“Rick? What are you doing here?”

“What do ya mean? It’s my office, too.”

“Well I know that. But it’s Saturday.” AJ took a really good look at his brother, noting the bloodshot eyes and day old stubble. “Rough night? What was it, mud wrestling or the all night strip joint?”

“What?” Rick shook his head.

“That kept you up.”

“Nothing. I, uh, was up thinking is all.” He looked down at his desk. “Hey, AJ, what do you remember about Stan?”

“Not very much. He really didn’t pay any attention to me. He’s what, ten years older than I am? Why?”

“Oh, just wondering.”

“Mom said that you and he didn’t get along very well. That he teased you.”

Rick laughed bitterly. “Yeah. He was a real jerk.”

“Are you all right?” He put a hand on Rick’s shoulder.

“Yeah, kid, I’m fine.” Then he frowned. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I had to pick up my wallet. I forgot it yesterday.” AJ held up the offending object.

“Ya better hurry, you’re gonna be late picking them up.” Rick pointed to his watch.

“Damn. How do I get talked into these things?”

He shrugged. “That’s what you get for being the good one in the family.”

“Want to come,” AJ asked hopefully.

“As tempting as it would be to see Aunt Edna pinch your cheeks and tell you how much you’ve grown, I think I’ll pass.”

“Thanks a lot.”

**********

“Hey, no running in the house,” AJ yelled after almost being trampled by a pack of children.

He had no idea why his mother had volunteered to host the family reunion this year. Rick thought perhaps it was temporary insanity. He was starting to think maybe his brother was right. It was a lesson in torture, the way people clucked over him, asking when he was going to give up being a PI. Being a lawyer was so much more respectable.

As for Rick, wel,l he had the idea. As soon as family members started showing up he conveniently hid himself away. Normally Rick might have hid himself in his houseboat but it had been commandeered to hold their cousin Charlie, his wife, and their son Joey. AJ wasn’t so thrilled about having to bunk with his brother, but it was only for a week, and he had done it before.

“AJ, honey.” Cecilia came up from behind him, balancing two trays of food. “Would you find your brother? I need him to go to the store and get some ice.”

“I can do it, Mom.” He took a tray from her and followed her outside.

“Actually I need you to take over the barbeque from Darryl. He’s burning the food.” She placed her tray on the picnic table they had moved outside. “Here let me have that. He might be upstairs, I thought I saw him go up there.”

“All right, I’ll tell him.” AJ maneuvered his way through the crowd of people and up the stairs. He immediately went to their old room.

As his hand touched the doorknob he heard the sound of two people arguing. Rick and…Stan?

“I don’t care. I told you to stay away from me,” Rick yelled.

“I’m different now, Rick. It was a long time ago. I was a kid.”

“So was I. I ain’t telling you again, Stan.”

“Or what, Ricky? You think they’ll believe you now?” Stan laughed. “You’re still a screw up.”

Then AJ heard the sound of flesh meeting flesh. He opened the door to see Stan on the floor, holding his nose, blood dripping from it and Rick standing over him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothin’.” Rick started to walk past him.

AJ touched his shoulder. “Rick?”

He shook his head in reply. “I gotta get out of here.”

“Mom wants you to get some ice.”

“She’s going to have to get someone else to do it.” He shrugged off AJ’s hand.

“What was that about,” he asked Stan.

“Your brother’s crazy, that’s what it’s about.” Stan got to his feet shakily and pushed past AJ to get to the bathroom.

What the hell was going on?

**********

He was still awake when he heard the door creak open. AJ sighed and turned over on his back. There was a rustling of clothing, then the bed dipped as Rick climbed in.

“Reliving your teen years?”

Rick jumped. “Geez, what are you trying to do, give a guy a heart-attack?”

AJ opened his eyes. “Mom’s pretty mad at you for leaving today.”

“Yeah, well.” Rick turned on his stomach, burying his face in the pillows. “I was getting claustrophobic.”

“This from the guy who once rode in a truck filled with chickens?” He snorted. “Give me a break. And what was that argument about between you and Stan?”

“Nothing, just an old argument. I’m really tired, AJ.”

“Okay, okay. Just don’t think you can be coming in here all hours of the night.”

Rick started to laugh. “What are you, my brother or my girlfriend?”

“Oh that’s funny.” AJ elbowed him in the side. “Goodnight, Rick.”

“Goodnight…babe,” he snickered.

AJ groaned. One of these days he was going to strangle him.

He was almost asleep when he heard his name being whispered softly. “What?”

“Can—can I ask you something?” Rick asked hesitantly.

“You aren’t going to let me sleep unless you do.” He turned on his side and stared at Rick. “Well, go on.”

“I was just wondering if—if there was anything I could do that would make you hate me.”

AJ flopped on his back. “Well, let me tell you, preventing my ability to sleep isn’t endearing you to me.”

“I’m serious.”

He looked at Rick for a long moment. His brother’s face was hidden from his glance by the pillow. “What kind of question is that?”

“Forget it.” Rick curled into a ball.

AJ sat up and put a hand on his brother’s back. Rick was so tense AJ could feel his muscles tremble. “Hey, nothing short of—of genocide would make me hate you. And even then…you’re my brother.”

“Yeah?” Rick relaxed under his hand.

“Yeah. Rick what’s wrong?” This wasn’t like his brother. Rick was carefree, flippant.

“I was just thinkin’.” He turned to face AJ. “You and Mom are the most important people in my life. I’d kill for you, ya know.”

He nodded. “Me too.”

Rick smiled. “Now I can sleep.”

AJ lay awake for a long time.

**********

The more he thought about it, the more the situation unnerved him. There was something terribly off about Rick’s behavior. Oh, Rick wasn’t the most stable of people most days. He was erratic, impulsive, and irresponsible. But he had never questioned his place in the family, not once. What had he meant by that comment last night? As if AJ could hate him. It was absurd. It was—frightening.

He looked over at Rick. His brother was sitting slumped over on the couch an amused smile on his face as he watched their nieces and nephews playing Monopoly on the floor. Every once and a while he’d lean down and whisper something into one of the kids’ ears.

Then Stan came into view and the smile on Rick’s face vanished. If looks could kill Stan would be dead. Idiot that he was, he seemed oblivious to the dark glare that Rick was giving him.

AJ could see by the way Rick tensed that a fight was about to ensue. He made his way over and put an arm around Stan. “Hey, I haven’t had a chance to say hello to you. Why don’t we go outside and have a beer.”

“AJ.” Stan smiled. “I’d love to.”

He snagged two beers from the refrigerator on their way out. “It’s pretty loud in there. I don’t know how Mom can stand it.”

“Aunt Cecilia’s an extraordinary lady.”

He laughed fondly. “That she is. Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“What’s with you and Rick?” He watched Stan carefully. When AJ asked the question Stan’s face went blank.

“I don’t know what you mean?” Stan took a long drink of beer.

“I’m a private investigator, Stan. You can tell me now or I can find out on my own.” AJ grabbed his arm.

“Why don’t you ask your brother?” He jerked away.

“I did.”

“He didn’t tell you?” There was a strange, almost hopeful note in Stan’s voice.

“No.”

“That’s because it’s none of your business. Just leave it alone, AJ.” He patted AJ’s cheek.

“I want to know why Rick hit you the other day.”

“Because I used to get on his case when he was a kid and he’s never forgiven me for it. That’s why.” He shook his head and started back into the house. “Thanks for the memories.”

**********

One of the most important abilities of a private investigator is the ability to watch, to catch those little idiosyncrasies that would give a clue that might crack the case. So he watched Rick’s body language when he was in the room. Saw how he tensed when Stan was there, the way his eyes never left him. It was eerie, the intensity of his scrutiny.

Later that evening when most of the family had went off to their prospective hotels AJ asked his mother about it.

He stood next to her at the sink, rinsing while she washed the dishes for the day. “Mom, have you noticed how Rick reacts around Stan?”

She frowned, handing him a glass. “I noticed. It’s not like Rick to hold a grudge this long. Especially for something that happened when they were children.”

“A grudge?”

“You don’t remember.”

AJ shook his head. “Not really. Most of my memories are fuzzy. I remember a lot of loud voices, crying. I don’t know. Like I said, Stan really didn’t pay any attention to me.”

“Rick disliked him almost from the start. After your father died, well Rick took it upon himself to be the man of the family. Having an older boy in the house ruined that for him.”

“But this is excessive, even for Rick.”

“Well, it didn’t help that Stan killed Rick’s turtle.” She sighed.

“Turtle?” AJ shook his head in puzzlement. “What turtle?”

Cecilia turned to him. “You don’t remember? That’s strange. You loved that thing about as much as Rick. You even named him. What was it, Eggplant, Lettuce, something like that.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well Stanley accidentally sat on him. Rick was heartbroken. He cried for days.” She brushed the hair from AJ’s face. “I’m really surprised you don’t remember.”

“So am I, Mom, so am I.”

At that moment the door swung open. “Hey, you ready to go home, AJ. I think I got most of the gum out of the rug.”

“Um,” AJ looked around the kitchen. “Yeah. We’ll see you tomorrow, Mom.”

“All right, you boys be careful driving home.” She gave each of them a kiss on the cheek.”

“We will.” Rick slung his arm around AJ’s shoulders and led him outside. “Three more days and everything goes back to normal.”

AJ laughed and climbed into the truck. “Have I mentioned how much I miss doing repos?”

“It’s scary what your family can do to you.”

“Tell me about it.”

His brother grinned and started the truck.

AJ let a few minutes silence pass before he spoke. “Rick, tell me about your turtle.”

“My what?” Rick glanced at him quickly.

“Your turtle, the one you had when we were kids.”

“Carrot you mean?”

“You had a turtle named Carrot?”

“I didn’t name him, you did. I got him for Easter when you were three. Dad put little bunny ears on him. It took me four months to convince you he wasn’t a rabbit. Anyway, I wanted to call him Spike but you said that nobody called a bunny Spike. Being the nice brother that I am, I let you give him a proper name. You were a weird kid. Why do you wanna know about Carrot?”

“Mom said that Stan killed him.”

Rick swallowed hard. “Oh, that. You don’t remember that?” There was a strange note to his voice.

“No. I was there?”

“Yeah.” AJ noticed that Rick’s hands were clenched tightly on the steering wheel. “We were wrestling and I forgot to put Carrot back in his bowl. Stan rolled on top of him and…his shell cracked. He didn’t make it. You really don’t remember?”

“No, I don’t, which is strange. Usually my memory is better than this.” He ran his fingers through his hair.

“Well, it was messy. I’m not surprised you forgot.” Then he whispered so that AJ had to strain to hear it, “Sometimes I wish I could.”

**********

He was crying, really loud sobs that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried. And he tried, really he tried. He knew that if he didn’t that the hammer…the hammer.

And he would bleed and bleed and bleed and die. He didn’t want to die. Please.

The voice told him to shut up or he’d give him a reason to make him cry. He would shatter him into pieces like…

No, no, no!!

Then he felt Rick’s arms wrap around him, muffling his crying with his chest. Rick was crying too, but he whispered that he would protect him. He whispered that the hammer wouldn’t hurt him. It wouldn’t hurt him if he, shh, didn’t say nothing to Mom about it.

Rick would protect him, he promised. He wouldn’t let the hammer hurt him.

Rick was safe. Always—

AJ woke with a start, his breath catching in his throat. He ran his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair and peered into the darkness of the room. He could just make out the outline of his brother next to him.

Rick had a secret. Something that had to do with Stan, something that Rick was afraid would make AJ and their mother hate him. And maybe he, AJ, knew part of that secret. If he could just make himself remember.

As he drifted back into sleep a thought came unbidden to his mind, he needed to remember the hammer.

**********

There wasn’t enough time. Not to help Mom, visit relatives, and watch Rick. Not to get to the bottom of things. Rick seemed better. He laughed more, though it hurt AJ to hear it. It wasn’t the relaxed chuckle he was used to hearing. It was a guarded laugh. It was careful.

It was the kind of laugh he had heard when Rick had first come back from the war.

Well maybe it was temporary. Perhaps when everyone left, whatever was haunting Rick would fade into the background.

**********

AJ ushered the young woman into a chair. "Mrs. Gilbert. I'm AJ and this is my brother Rick. Over the phone you mentioned that it was urgent?"

"It's about my husband, or more precisely, my ex-husband." She fidgeted with the purse on her lap. "We're going through this nasty custody battle and...."

"And you want us to find some dirt on your husband," Rick finished.

AJ shot Rick a dirty look.

"Yes. I mean, no. Well, I think my husband, my ex-husband, is hurting our daughter, Melody." She sighed.

"By hurting you mean..." AJ let his voice trail off.

"Molesting." She swallowed hard.

"I see. Mrs. Gilbert, have you gone to the police with this concern?"

"Yes, and my family physician. All charges were dropped because they couldn't find any conclusive evidence that he was molesting her."

"And what makes you think that he is?" Rick asked. He was looking at her intently. "If the police and her doctor don't think he's hurtin' her, how do you know?"

"Call it a feeling. A mother knows when someone's hurting her child. She knows." She looked at AJ. "You have to help me. You're my last hope. Please."

"No." Rick answered and stood up. "If you wanna slander your husband find some other PIs to help you do it."

"Rick!" AJ looked at her apologetically. "Could you wait a moment while I talk to my brother." He pulled Rick out in the hall. "What are you doing? This woman needs our help."

"Oh come on, AJ, the only thing she needs is a good lawyer." Rick shook his head. "A mother knows when her kid's being molested. If that isn't the biggest load of crock I've ever heard."

"Like you're the expert on maternal instincts. We have to take this case, Rick. What if he is, we can stop him. If we don't take it, can you live with that on your conscience? I can't."

"Fine, we'll take the case. We always do whatever the hell you want anyway." With that Rick spun on his heel and walked toward the elevator.

"Rick, Rick, come back. Dammit!" He went back in the office. "We'll take the case. If he's hurting your daughter we'll know in a matter of days. We'll call with regular updates."

"Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me." She hugged him.

He patted her awkwardly. "It'll be all right, I promise."

**********

AJ sighed and leaned his head against the seat of his car. There wasn’t much activity in the house; mostly all they were doing now was establishing a routine. Well, that and waiting for him and his daughter to leave so they could put listening devices in the house. This wasn’t exactly the neighborhood to go looking in windows. From what they could see, the neighbors were too conscientious. It would be a good way to get arrested for peeping in windows.

He sighed again. The quiet was deafening. He had never really thought much about that cliché. With Rick it was never quiet, not even on a stakeout. Except now. Normally he might have enjoyed the silence. But Rick refused to speak to him, to even look at him. Not a word was spoken, not a “hello” or a “pass the snacks,” nothing. He had never been this angry with AJ.

“So, do you want to tell me what this morning was about,” he asked when the silence became too much.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Rick stared at the house.

“Come on, Rick, don’t pull that. Why didn’t you want to take this case?”

“Does it matter?” Rick turned to him.

“Of course it matters. This is a partnership, if you had reasonable objections—”

“But here we are.”

“I said reasonable.”

“Yeah. Well you know what, AJ, sometimes people have reasons no one needs to know about. Maybe you should have accepted that I didn’t wanna take this case, no questions asked.”

“Fine, do you want me to call her tomorrow and tell her we quit? Because I will if that’s what you want...”

“I want you to trust me.”

“I do trust you.” He put his hand on Rick’s shoulder. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Look, I’ll call her tomorrow.”

“No, no, we’ll finish it.” He was silent for a moment, then, “Do you think she’s right? Do you think a mom knows when her kid’s being hurt?”

“I don’t know. I imagine there are signs. Why?”

Rick shook his head. “Just wondering. AJ, I need to tell you—”

AJ saw the door open. “He’s leaving. Do you want to go in and bug the house, or shall I do it?”

“You go on. You’ll be noticed less in the neighborhood.”

He started to step out of the car. “What were you going to say?”

“Nothing. Never mind.”

AJ hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Now, hurry up. The faster you get in there, the faster it gets done. Don’t need you getting caught. Mom’s getting tired of bailing us out.”

“Okay.” With that he made his way to the house.

**********

“We’re not going to find anything.”

AJ shifted in his seat and opened one eye. “I’m glad you think so. Now if you don’t mind, I’d really like a nap.”

“I’m just saying that it’s been three days—”

“Rick. Please?”

Rick sighed and was quiet for a few minutes. Then, “AJ? You ever had anyone try stuff with you?”

AJ sat up and stared at Rick. “What?”

Rick looked out the window at the house. “I asked if you ever had, ya know....”

“Well, I’ve been groped, but if you mean when I was a kid, no. Why?”

“I just wondered. They say you can never tell. How does someone, how does someone do that to a kid? What sorta person does that?” He sighed.

“I don’t know. Maybe they need to be in control, maybe…” Before he could finish there was a crackle from their receiver.

There was no denying what was happening on the other end. And if he had been doing something other than his job, he might have been sick. He looked over at Rick

His brother was pale, his hands clenching the steering wheel.

 _“Please, Daddy, no!”_

AJ opened his mouth but it was too late. Between one second and the next Rick was out and across the street.

“Dammit, Rick, wait for me!” He scrambled out of the car and made his way towards the house.

Rick had always been fast when he wanted to be, even faster than AJ. This was no exception. By the time AJ had made it to the front door, it had been kicked in.

When he got to the little girl’s bedroom, she was crouched in a corner screaming. And Rick, Rick was beating the guy to a pulp.

He grabbed his brother by the arm. “That’s enough, Rick.”

Rick shook him off. “You like hurting little kids? Huh, you like hurting people who can’t fight back? Well, how about this, you like this, you bastard.”

“I said, that’s enough!” AJ wrenched him off. “You wanna kill him?”

“Maybe that’s what he deserves,” Rick gasped.

“Go call the police.” He pointed to the door. “Go!”

His brother ignored him. Instead he walked over to Melody and knelt beside her. “It’s all right honey, we’re friends of your mommy.”

She turned her face to him. “You were hurting my Daddy.”

AJ cuffed the bleeding man’s hands behind his back and watched his brother.

“That’s ‘cause he was hurting you.”

She shook her head and looked down.

Rick touched her under her chin and tilted her head. “It’s not your fault. Whatever he told you, it’s not your fault. Your mom, she was scared he might’ve been hurting you, that’s why we’re here. It’s okay to tell her. She’ll believe you.”

Melody looked at him wide-eyed and burst into tears.

Rick gathered her up and held her gently.

As his brother rocked the girl, AJ felt a sick, sinking feeling in his stomach.

**********

“—the stupidest thing the two of you have ever done!” And with that, Abby stalked across the lawn to the ambulance.

Well it wasn’t the first time they had been chewed out by the police and it wouldn’t be the last. And AJ knew that they had deserved it. Mr. Gilbert was being shipped to the hospital with a broken jaw and some bruised ribs. Sure he was a child molester but the cops liked their cases airtight and having a couple of PIs bust into a house they had bugged and beat up the perp was not airtight.

“She’s right you know. What were you thinking?”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not you, AJ.”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Mr. Perfect, Mr. I’ve never done anything wrong. Ever since we were kids it’s been like this. Oh you were the golden boy, the blond-haired, blue-eyed spitting image of Dad.” Rick grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him close. “I ain’t you, and I don’t wanna be.”

“That’s all a bunch of bull and you know it.” He shoved Rick away. “No one ever expected you to be me. Mom and Dad—”

“Always loved you best.”

“That is not true. Where the hell is this coming from?”

Rick shook his head. “I didn’t mind, really I didn’t. I just wish they would have looked at me sometimes. Other than to yell at me or scream at me, they never did. Not after you were born. I don’t blame them, I was a damn stubborn kid. Maybe it was easier to forget I was around when I wasn’t making trouble.”

“Rick—”

“He hit me, AJ, he hit me and never hit you. Not once, not even when you deserved it. And then when he died.” Rick closed his eyes and took a deep shuddery breath. “Sometimes I think if I had looked more like him…She never noticed. AJ, how come she didn’t notice?”

“Notice what?”

His brother sighed. “Me.”

“I noticed you.” He put a hand on Rick’s shoulder.

“Yeah?” Rick opened his eyes.

“Yeah. And you know Dad and Mom, they loved you as much as they loved me. Now come on, let’s follow Abby to the precinct and give our statement.” He put his arm around his brother’s shoulders.

Rick looked over at the police car that held Melody and Mrs. Gilbert. “A mother knows,” he whispered softly. “But does she always know?”

He kept sneaking quick glances at Rick. Not very subtle but he was still trying to figure out where the rant had come from.

Rick sighed. “What?”

“What, what,” he replied innocently.

“What’s with all the concerned glances?”

“Nothing. I mean—I’m just…” AJ shrugged. “I’m sorry that’s all.”

“For what?”

“I’m sorry you felt invisible. I’m sorry you felt that Mom and Dad wanted you to be like me.”

“Aw, hell, AJ. Look, what I said, forget it. I was just mad and frustrated. I didn’t mean it.”

“But you said it. You must have felt a little—”

“AJ. Yeah, okay, maybe I did, but that was a long time ago. And I feel differently now. You know me, I always run off at the mouth when I’m mad.”

“We’re okay then?”

Rick grinned. “Aren’t we always?”

He nodded. “Yes, we are.”

**********

Melody clung to her mother, crying softly. AJ watched quietly, hugging himself. Rick had already gone home, claiming that he was exhausted.

Heartbroken, AJ thought.

Rick had stood by the little girl as she stammered out what her father had done to her. As they prodded out details. Minute details.

AJ squeezed his eyes shut, a sense of terror and helplessness overwhelming him. He felt bile rise up in his throat when he thought of how she said it started. Tickling, she said, he liked to tickle.

He ran for the bathroom, barely making to a stall when the dry heaves came. He remembered….

**********

He cuddled up against Rick, feeling his brother’s tears against his neck. “I’m scared, Rick.”

“Don’t be scared.” Rick sniffed. “I’ll tell you a story. Do ya want me to tell you a story, AJ?”

“Uh-huh.”

Rick brushed the hair from his face. “Once a upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a boy.”

“Was he a prince?”

“Naw, just a regular boy. He got into trouble a lot, lied and did things. Nobody liked him. He was different from everybody else, even his family. He tried to be good, but it was hard. He was lonely a lot.”

“I don’t like this story.” AJ rubbed his eyes. “It’s sad.”

“No, no, ‘cause one day his parents, they had another little boy. He was a prince. He was perfect, everybody said so. And he loved the first little boy, played with him and didn’t even care that he was different. That he was bad.” Rick was crying again. “The Prince knew all the little boy’s secrets and still loved him. You love me, don’t you AJ?”

AJ nodded. “Yes, I love you. Please don’t cry. Please. We’ll tell Mommy. Mommy will believe me.”

“There’s nothin’ to tell.”

“But—”

“There ain’t nothin’ to say! Carrot got crushed by accident. Nothing happened. You hear me, AJ, it was an accident. Now you say it.”

“It was an accident.”

Rick stroked his back and kept whispering it into his ear.

**********

“No, oh God, no.” AJ got up and went out to the sinks. He splashed his face with water and looked into the mirror. “Is that what your hiding,Rick? Is it?”

When he got home, Rick was sitting on his couch staring up that ceiling, an almost empty bottle of tequila in his hand.

“Rick?”

“Her own father hurt her. How—I just don’t understand how.” He looked up at AJ, eyes bleary. “She wasn’t lucky. She didn’t have anyone to protect her. No older brother or sister.”

“Like you? Like how you protected me?” He knelt in front of his brother. “Rick?”

“I’d never let anyone hurt you, AJ. Never let any touch you or anything. She just wasn’t lucky.”

“Was I lucky? Did someone hurt you, Rick? Did someone…touch you?”

He shook his head. “I’m drunk. I’m drunk and I’m tired. I’m so tired, AJ.”

“What happened to Carrot? What happened to your turtle?” He put his hand on Rick’s knee. “Will you tell me?”

“Nothin’ happened. He got squished.” Rick touched his cheek. “I’ll always protect you. Always.”

“I know you will. But, Rick, you have to tell me, you have to tell me because I don’t remember. I don’t remember Carrot, Rick. I don’t remember what happened when Stanley stayed with us after Dad died. Tell me.”

“I don’t have anything to tell you.” He was looking off into space.

“Rick, Ricky?”

“Don’t call me that!” Rick grabbed him by the shirt. “Don’t ever call me that.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” He put his hand over Rick’s fist. “I’m sorry.”

Rick pulled him forward into an embrace. “No one ever hurt you. No one! I swear.”

He nodded and let his head rest on his shoulder for a moment. “I love you, Rick, you know that don’t you? No matter what, I’ll always love you.”

His brother didn’t respond.

AJ felt the hands grasping his shirt slacken. He pulled back and shook his head. Rick had passed out. “That’s all right, we’ll talk later. Let’s get you into bed.”

He was sweating and breathing hard by the time he got Rick into his bed. Tossing his brother on rumpled sheets, he tugged off his boots.

Rick stirred. “AJ?”

“Yes?” AJ ran his fingers through Rick’s hair.

“I’m cold.” He grabbed AJ’s hand and tugged gently.

AJ swallowed hard. That used to be his codeword when he was frightened of the dark or monsters under the bed. How many times had he said those words to his brother only to have Rick pull back the sheets and make room for him in the bed? “Okay, okay.” He climbed into bed and cradled Rick’s head on his shoulder.

“I always protected you, AJ.”

“I know. Now let me protect you, Rick. Sleep.” He pressed his mouth to Rick’s hair and rubbed his back with a gentle hand.

**********

He blinked up at Stan and smiled shyly. His heart was pounding with excitement because his cousin had asked if he wanted to play. Stan never played with him, only Rick. And wow, Stan was a big kid, a teenager, and he wanted to play with him.

AJ tried not to bounce to show how excited he was because that would be babyish. “What game are we going to play?”

Stan smiled down at him. “The tickle game.”

He frowned. “Tickle game. I don’t like to tickle.”

“I always play with your brother.”

AJ shook his head. “Let’s play hide and seek or checkers.”

He sighed. “Aw, I knew you were too little. Forget it.”

“I’m not too little. I just—You play this with Rick?”

“Uh huh.” Stan sat on the bed and pulled AJ close, between his legs. “You’ll like this. I’ll tickle you and you’ll tickle me.”

“Okay.”

“Great.” Then his hand reached under AJ shirt and stroked his stomach.

“I don’t—”

“Shh.” He kissed AJ’s cheek, his fingers slipping lower to—

The door opened. “What are you doing?” Rick stormed through the door and pulled AJ away. “You leave him alone.”

Stan gave a lazy smile. “We were only playing.”

“You told me that you would stay away from him if I—if I did what you wanted.”

“We were only playing, Rick.” He tried to squirm out of Rick’s grasp. “I can play with Stan, too. I’m not too little.”

“Yeah, Ricky. Besides, you haven’t been very cooperative. Now have you?”

Rick turned white. “Go downstairs, AJ.”

“No, I want to play too!” He stamped his foot.

Then Rick did something that he had never done before. He hit AJ very hard on the butt. “I said go downstairs. Now go!”

He stared up at his brother and rubbed his behind. “Okay.” His lower lip trembled.

“Just go okay. Please, AJ. We’ll play catch later. You can use my new mitt. Okay?”

AJ nodded and slowly made his way out the door. He played for a while with his blocks; stacking them then making them topple with a well-placed push. He kept glancing at the clock, noticing as the minutes passed by slowly. A game couldn’t take that long could it?

He tiptoed upstairs quietly and pushed the bedroom door open. Rick and Stan were lying next to each other on the bed. When the door had opened Rick had turned so that he was on his stomach. AJ could hear his brother’s sobs, muffled by the pillow.

“What are you doing to my brother?” He inched his way over to Rick.

“We’re just playing.” Stan looked at him innocently.

“How come he’s crying then?”

Stan shrugged.

“I’m gonna tell Mommy.”

“No!” Rick sat up. “You ain’t saying anything.”

AJ looked at him and frowned. “Your jeans are undone.”

He blushed bright red and buttoned up. Then he jumped out of bed. “Let’s go play catch.”

AJ shook his head. “I’m gonna tell Mommy.”

“No, Stan, he ain’t gonna say anything.” He grabbed AJ’s arm and tugged him forward. “C’mon.”

“I am, he’s making you cry. You’re making my brother cry, you stupid jerk!”

“It was an accident. He didn’t mean to hurt me. Stan, AJ won’t say anything to Mom.”

But he was, Rick knew it, and so did Stan. He had too, ‘cause, well he wasn’t sure what Stan had been doing to Rick but he knew deep in his gut that it was Bad.

“He’s just a baby. I can keep him quiet.”

“I am not a baby. And I am going to tell. I won’t let him hurt you, Rick.”

Stan laughed and jumped off the bed. “You’re not going to tell anybody.” He grabbed Carrot out of his bowl and sprinted out the door.

Rick followed. “Leave Carrot alone. Give him to me. Stan!”

**********

He woke with a gasp, his heart pounding in his chest. Rick squeezed him gently and mumbled softly in his sleep.

It was just a dream, a nightmare, that’s all, just a nightmare because he would never have forgotten something like that. Could he?

AJ slipped out of Rick’s embrace and stumbled out of the bedroom. It was early morning, the dull light of sunrise shone into the cabin giving the room a tint of dull gray.

He needed to—he needed to think and take a shower. Yes, that sounded right: a shower, a shave, and a clean set of clothing. Then maybe he could deal with—with whatever that dream – nightmare – memory – had been.

The drive home was long, empty. His mind, he couldn’t think, couldn’t focus on any one thing. It kept flitting on bills, cases, the laundry that needed to be done because if he did focus, if he did think about it…he would lose it.

And he couldn’t, not if it was true. Not if it was more than just a nightmare.

Memory.

When he got home he took a hot shower, water streaming down him face, allowing him to ignore the tears.

It couldn’t be true.

He went downstairs feeling clean and semi-decent. He made himself coffee, letting the liquid burn his tongue into numbness, then thought about making an omelet. The thought was quickly discarded as his stomach did a slow roll.

Jesus.

Stan…Rick…Stan.

 _The Prince knew all the little boy’s secrets and still loved him. You love me, don’t you, AJ?_

AJ buried his face in his hands. “Oh, God, Rick, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He stayed that way for a while, letting the memories play over in his mind, filling him, leaving him with a dirty feeling. He hadn't done anything, he, he hadn’t done anything. And not only hadn’t he done anything, he had forgotten. Forgotten because the horror and fear had been too much to bear.

Rick had bore it. Holding him that night, tight in an embrace, stroking his hair, whispering in his ear. _You’re safe, he said, just forget about it AJ. You’re safe and that’s all you need to know._

You’re safe and that’s all you need to know. So that was all he knew.

AJ was startled from him memories by the sound of footsteps on the deck. He walked outside and stood beside Rick. They both leaned against the railing, looking out at the canal.

He looked at Rick. “I forgot. How could I forget?”

“It was a long time ago. I’m glad you forgot.”

“Don’t say that. Rick, he molested you. He—”

Rick covered his mouth with his hand. “He killed Carrot. He killed my turtle.”

He pulled away and watched as Rick stared off into space.

“You caught us. You caught him. You threatened to tell Mom. Stan took Carrot out of his bowl and ran downstairs. I followed him and you followed me. He took a hammer.” Rick made a chopping motion.

He gasped, remembering.

Rick had said, _no, please, Stan, no_ and charged after him, trying to stop him realizing before AJ the horror. Stan had shoved Rick so hard that he slammed against the wall with a sickening thud. Then the hammer fell and…

AJ remembered the sound of the shell cracking and then blood.

And then Stan telling him, you won’t say anything, AJ, because if you do I’ll kill you like I killed Carrot. He remembered the blood.

“You starting screaming, screaming and crying and screaming. He told you to shut up or he’d give you a reason to cry. But you just kept going. He killed Carrot and I held you and I told you, I told you I’d protect you.” Rick laughed harshly. “I couldn’t even protect myself.”

“Rick, we should tell somebody.”

“Like who? It was a long time ago.” Rick eyes were bloodshot, like he had been crying. “Thirty years, AJ, who should we tell? Not the cops, hell, the statute of limitations has run out on that one.”

“Mom?”

“Why? She didn’t do anything back then.”

“You don’t think—” He took a deep breath. “You don’t think she knew and didn’t do anything?”

“No, I don’t.” Rick shook his head. “It was hard for her then, learning how to live without Dad. And I was so easy to forget when I was good.”

“You shouldn’t have to carry this by yourself.”

“Have been for thirty years. I’ve gotten used to it.” He was looking up at the sky now.

Rick shouldn’t have to carry it alone.

“I want to tell you a story, Rick. It’s about this boy, just a normal boy.” AJ touched his shoulder. “He thought he was different. He had secrets and got into trouble a lot. He was lonely. One day his parents brought him a little brother. And that little brother didn’t care that his brother got into trouble or was different. He knew all his big brother’s secrets. You know what, Rick, it didn’t matter because no matter how much trouble he got into, or how different he was or how many he secrets he had, his little brother would always love him. Always, Rick.”

Rick turned to him, tears in his eyes. “Geez, AJ, you remember that story?”

“I remember. I remember you were the one that was hurting the most and you still took the time to comfort me when I was scared. Just like you always do. We’ve fought a lot a demons haven’t we, for other people, sometimes for ourselves.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you fight this one.”

He grabbed AJ by the upper arms and shook him gently. “You have, you do. You’ve always been there for me and that’s what I need. You’ve always made me feel like someone important.”

“You are, Rick, you’re my big brother.”

“Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurt a lot. This demon’s still alive and kickin’.”

“I’ll help anyway I can.”

“I know, and, kid, that’s enough.”

“I’d much rather beat Stanley to a bloody pulp with my bare fists.”

Rick laughed, shakily. “Don’t think I haven’t dreamed of doing that same thing.”

“What do we do now?” He began thinking of all the favors he could call in, all the people who would be able to help him make Stanley’s life a living hell.

“Go on, just like we always do.”

He said, suddenly, fiercely, “You matter, you matter to me.”

Then AJ held him softly, gently, as Rick cried.


End file.
